What's next?

I just got a call from Nikki and apparently Matt is in the hospital with severe abdominal pains and his blood pressure keeps going down. Since he has already had his appendix out, I don't know what it could be. He is in so much pain that even morphine isn't helping to alleviate it. So, it looks like I will be driving to Muscatine as soon as I can get off work. I was planning to go anyway but I guess I will leave sooner than expected. Hopefully I won't run into snow and the traffic will be light.

On another note, I was on the phone with Madison two days ago. Nearing the age of three she is starting to carry on conversations with me via the cell phone. It has been an interesting journey. I asked her if she was being a good girl...meaning was she going potty on the big girl potty. (Brenda and I started singing a song about going pee pee in the potty many months ago and Madi still signs it.) After I asked her the question, she said she was poopy. Sure enough she had pooped her pants. That was something for her to actually admit it to me over the phone especially since she usually side steps the issue. Why is it that when you potty train a child that going poop in the toilet is one of the last things they want to do. You would think it would be one of the first.

I am tired. It seems there is always something happening. Here lately it has always been something not so good. If the two of you could put in a good word for me with God, it would be nice to have some good things come my way again.

Love you both.

Your daughter.

Good Grief???

I am grieving mom and dad. There are days when everything seems to fall into place and life is good. Then there are other days when things seem to come crashing down and I am either on the verge of tears or crying inconsolably. It isn't just the death of the two of you that is the cause of my grief but the loss of someone (a relationship) very special to me.

Through my life's experiences I understand that loss deals with more than the death of someone. I have lost so many things in my 51 years but have always gotten through them, learned from them, and moved on. Having been brought up in a Christian home, I know the two of you are in a better place free from pain and sadness. I look forward to the day (hopefully not any time soon) when we are reunited and I can meet my brother Benjamin.

I know that grief is the normal response of sorrow, emotion, and the confusion that comes from losing someone or something important. What I didn't really understand until mom's death is how grief from other events are also dredged up, events from the not too distant past. While I miss you terribly dad and continue to shed tears for you because you are no longer on this earth to give me guidance and advice, I have lost that feeling of having my life force sucked out of me. I think it is because you hung on for three weeks which prepared all of us for your death. Mom's death on the other hand didn't really give me time to adjust to the idea of her dying. I only had 2 full days to prepare myself for her death. Mom, I didn't want you to suffer so I said it was okay for you to go but you picked one helluva time of year to pass away. You could have at least waited to get sick and pass away after the Christmas holidays.Your death took us all by surprise but at least we were there with you at the end. We didn't want you to die alone like dad did, which by the way dad, Charlie and I feel really bad about that. If we could go back and do things over again, we would go back to your hospital room after eating supper and spend the last remaining hours of your life with you.

I think what makes mom's death a little more emotional for me is that I am suffering the grief by myself. When you died dad, I had that someone special in my life to help me through the pain of losing you and making the following days, weeks, and months more bearable. For the last nine months though, I have been without that special someone and even though the family has offered some advice for my grieving, it isn't quite the same. Since mom's passing, I am feeling alone and abandoned in many aspects.

The thing about grief is there is no timetable for it; it will last as long as it takes for me to accept it and learn to live with it. Every one of us is different and depending on our life experiences and the reason for the loss, some people can get through their grief in a short amount a time while others of us struggle on, day after day.

Mom and dad, I know I will get through this okay so don't worry. Knowing that you are walking with God makes it easier to deal with your loss. What I worry about for me is trying to get over the loss of something else, of somebody else. It has been so difficult but I am hoping that my letters to you will be my therapy and one day soon, I can move on.

I love you both and can't wait to write you again. I wonder what the next topic will be. Should I talk about guilt? Or maybe something a little lighter in scope? You will just have to wait and see.

February 3, 2010

Dear Mom and Dad,

To some people this idea of writing to dead parents may sound a bit odd but then these same people wouldn't really know our family. We have always been a bit strange when doing things. We crack jokes when one of us is in the hospital. Laughter was, and will continue to be, a way for us to know the other person was (is) okay. I feel like I need to heal from a lot of things so I am hoping by writing this blog I can begin to get over the grief and guilt I feel about events over the past year.

Since I want to get this blog up and going, I am going to close this for now but be assured I will return with things I have learned, some utterly useless information (or UUI's as Roger used to say), and my opinion are current events.

I love and miss you both.

Your loving daughter.