What I have learned from my grandchildren about love

As the song says, "Breaking up is hard to do." You are overcome by all kinds of feelings such as grief, loss, sadness, anger, betrayal, and abandonment. Plus, getting over a break up is not something to be rushed. I know as I am living proof. I have been living the single life for the past nine months and not loving it. In past break ups, God has always provided someone else to love but not this time. Someone mentioned to me that maybe there were things I needed to learn this time and I had to experience the grief through the four seasons. (I only have one more season to go.) I saw a movie that had a quote at the end of it which brought it home for me. The quote is from Rainer Maria Rilke. She said, "For one human to love another, that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks. The work for which all other work is but preparation." I am looking at my year of inner reflection as the preparation for me to be able to love another human being the way that I want to be loved and treated.

I have used this time to really take a look at myself, the relationship, and the things I could have done different. I have spent a lot of time thinking on this knowing there were mistakes made. Driving back and forth between St. Louis and Muscatine gives me time to think on this subject and during this last trip I had an epiphany brought on by a visit to my grandchildren.

There is something special about a relationship between a grandparent and a grandchild. If we could apply that same special bond to our relationships with our spouse, significant other, etc., I think the divorce rate in this country would go down. Helen Keller said it best, "All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." I realize that we love our grandchildren because they are part of us but shouldn't we love another human (not blood related) the same way?

Some of the things I have learned from my grandchildren that I will apply to a new relationship are as follows:

1. My grandchildren love me unconditionally and I love them the same way. I may not always like what they do or the decisions they make, but we will always have that love bond.

2. You sometimes hurt the one you love and make mistakes but if the two parties can work to get passed the hurt and mistakes, the bond will be even stronger. This past weekend, I was spending time with Madison. She had gotten a play unicorn on a stick for Christmas, the kind you sit on and run around the house like you are riding it. I was bouncing the soft, cushy part of the unicorn off the top of her head and she was giggling. Then she thought she needed to do the same thing to me only instead of the soft part, she hit me in the head with the stick. Seeing what she had done, her parents told her to go stand in the corner and of course she cried about it. I told them if she had to stand in the corner then so did I because she was just repeating what I can done to her except her judgment was off a little bit. We all make mistakes because we aren't perfect. My grandchildren are showing me how imperfect I was when it came to loving someone else.

3. It is okay to spoil each other once in awhile. I have learned that it is okay to spend a little bit of money on someone you love. Fortunately, the things I can buy for my grandchildren don't have to be worth much but they love it when grandma gets them something a little special.

4. Communication is important. It is amazing how much time I spend just listening to Madison babble on about anything. Yet, when it came to being in a relationship with someone, I hardly spent any time at all just sitting down and talking. Sometimes our communication is just my rubbing her back or her hand and sometimes she and I engage in playing make believe, but whatever the case, she has my undivided attention and I have hers. If only we could give our mates that same kind of attention. I am guilty for not doing so.

5. Grandparents and grandchildren are good at helping each other when one or the other is sick or sad. Taylinn wasn't feeling well last weekend and she just needed grandma to hold her and rock her a little bit. It is so nice to know that someone cares for us when we don't feel good.

6. We just want to feel safe. I figured this out about a month ago when I drove home. It was one of the weekends that my grandson Kemper got to spend with his mom and my son. I was late getting in but Kemper and Madison were up to see me. As I carried my stuff into the house, I heard Kemper yell "Grandma Judy". I told him "hi" and continued to bring my stuff into the house. By the time I got finished (maybe 5 to 10 minutes) and went into the living room, he was already fast asleep on the couch.

7. It is okay to be funny with each other. Some of the best times we have had is when we are doing something funny, whether it is talking in funny voices, reading a funny book, or just playing. I have learned that it is okay to have quiet times with each other but it is important to also spend some time together doing fun things...maybe something as simple as walking the dog down the gravel road or chasing one of the farm cats.  All that matters is being together and being made to feel special.

8. Sometimes we just need to bare it all so everyone know where we stand with them. When the walls are down, we may feel vulnerable but that is when growth can take place.

These are just some of the things I have learned from them that I want to take with me into my next relationship. Sometimes love is all you need.

Until next time.

Your loving daughter, Judy.

What's love got to do with it?

The last time I went to church one of the scripture readings was I Corinthians 13: 1-13. I have been thinking about that passage for awhile now, since mom's funeral to be exact. But the version I have been reading is from The Message.

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I do not love, I have gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I am bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut. Doesn't have a swelled head, Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.

Love never dies, Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled. We don't yet see things clearly. We are squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the clears and the sun shines bright! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

I have been thinking a lot of loving someone versus being "in-love" with them and what that means. Sometimes I think love is a temporary madness, erupting like an earthquake and then subsiding. The being in-love feeling. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. A person has to work out whether the roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. (true love) That to me is what love is all about. Being in-love with someone is the breathlessness, the excitement, the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. But love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away. It is both an art and a fortunate accident.

I want the kind of love the two of you had for each other. There may have been times during your 57 years together, that the feeling of being "in-love" came and went but I believed you really loved each other. Your roots grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from your branches you found that you were one tree not two. That is the kind of love I hope to find. And while I feel lonely now, I trust God will lead me to a person who I can grow with into one tree.

My next post will talk about what I have learned from the grandkids about love that I can carry over into my next relationship.

Love is everything. That is what love has to do with it. Without it we are nothing.

"It is so easy, to think about love, to talk about love, to wish for love, but it isn't always easy to recognize love, even when we hold it...in our hands."

News from Muscatine

I made it to Iowa on Friday around 5:30 pm. By the time I got to Atalissa, Matt was home from the hospital. While there, they found his white blood count to be near 28,000. Having been a nurse mom, you know that 15,000 is considered high. It seems they not only had to give him morphine but another pain reliever. Matt said that they gave him the drugs through his IV and before he konked out, he was in more pain than before. Although he had a MRI that really didn't show much, they diagnosed him as having diverticulitis like mom, Charlie and Grandma Rohwedder. He was in such pain and such a big baby about the whole thing. Why is it that some men (at least some of the one's in my family) seem to be such babies. Matt had to call the doctor today because he has pain when he urinates. One of the antibiotics they gave him has that as a side effect. The doctor wasn't much help so he plans to call his family doctor tomorrow.

Speaking of doctor's not being much help, I went to mine last week because I have been having pain in the knuckle of my little finger for the last month or so. They took an x-ray but found it wasn't broken. The doctor said I had osteopenia and there wasn't much I could do for it. It hurts so bad. I will follow the doctor's instructions of putting cold on it and wrapping it but if that doesn't work, I will go to a specialist. I read what one of the web sites said about osteopenia and they said there shouldn't be any pain. The doctors on that website either don't know what they are talking about or my doctor doesn't. Is it possible to have gout in your finger? Dad I know you suffered from gout but it was usually in your foot and from what I have read it affects mostly men.

On another note, Taylinn is standing on her own. It won't be long now before she starts walking. Maybe by her birthday like Madison did. Madison helped me put dishes away today. She likes to help me take dishes out of the dishwasher and put the dirty ones in. She also helps me with laundry. I figure it is good to keep her busy plus I really like spending time with her. I just wish the family lived a little closer to me.

After not having thought of being involved with anyone for the last 9 months, I am acquainted with someone I am attracted to. Problem is they are 20 years younger than I am. I remember when I was dating Jim who was younger than me and dad saying younger isn't bad that I could always train them. I think 20 years is a little too much. Maybe I should look for someone older and wiser. For now, however, I will just put everything into God's hands and not worry about it.

Tomorrow I need to go visit the bank and your investment person so I can sign papers regarding the inheritance. I would rather have you back in my life than the money but know that isn't going to happen. I can at least say you two were the best parents that a child could ask for.

I love and miss you both.

Your loving daughter.