My feathers are ruffled

Dear Mom and Dad,
     This week my feathers got a little ruffled. There is a group called NOM (National Organization for Marriage) that is touring the country. They speak out that marriage should be between a man and a woman. They are in Des Moines tomorrow and will be in St. Louis on August 5. The group claims that gay people are bullying and intimidating the supporters of this group. I do not know if they are lies or not. NOM says one thing and the gay and lesbian supporters say otherwise. What got my feathers ruffled was NOM supporters holding signs quoting of all things...Leviticus 20:13 about if a man lies with a man as he does with a woman they shall surely be put to death, blah, blah, blah. To me that says that as a lesbian, I should be put to death because I am in a committed relationship. What happened to loving your neighbor as you do yourself?
     The denial of marriage to same-sex couples is one of the harshest inequalities inflicted on lesbian and gay Americans and their loved ones. At one point in time, Brenda wanted to get married and I was dragging my feet because at that time states wouldn't allow gay couples to get married. Now some of them, including Iowa, are coming around. It was my opinion at the time, "Why bother", it isn't like we received the same rights as straight couples. My opinion has changed, however. It would be nice to have that commitment even if the law doesn't recognize it.
     Did you know there are over 1,100 protections and responsibilities conferred to married couples by the federal government including access to health care, parenting and immigration rights, social security, veterans and survivor benefits, and transfer of property.
     I do not see what all the hubbub is all about. Why shouldn't gay people have the same marital rights as heterosexual people? We pay our taxes just like everyone else. Marriage provides couples with thousands of state protections and responsibilities like including a spouse or a spouse's children on a health insurance policy, access to public housing designated for married couples and file joint state tax returns. I am fortunate to work for a university that allows me to include a "partner" on my health and life insurance but I can't get married in the state of Missouri so we could also file joint tax returns.
     What really stinks is if one of the people in the gay partnership gets sick, they cannot make any decisions about the care of that person even if they have been together for many, many years. The only way to get around this is to have a Power of Attorney.
     I just don't think this is the way God wants it to be. When I came out to the two of you, you told me I was made in God's image, He loved me and so did you. That was the best thing I could hear at that time. I know the God loves me. I am His child as are all of the other people on this earth. I just wish we could all get along and be afforded the same rights as everyone else.
     Some of my friends probably don't agree with me. They want to continue quoting Old Testament scripture that really doesn't apply to today's world, especially since it was written as Jewish law. I know that when Brenda had that study on homosexuality at church both of your eyes were opened, especially when the Rabbi came to one of the classes. If people are going to quote Leviticus, then they need to follow all of the laws in that scripture and not pull out what fits their purpose at a particular time.
     It is my opinion that if Jesus came back tomorrow, he would be dining at the houses of the gays and lesbians and not the supporters of NOM and all the other groups that go along with bigotry in some form or another.
     As always, I love you and miss you. Until next time. Your loving daughter, Judy.

What is love anyway?

Dear Mom and Dad,
     It has been some time since I wrote to you last. Alot of things have happened since then but I won't go into them all since you already know what is going on. Probably the biggest thing is the accident I had on my motorcycle. Yes...I bought a motorcycle. I blame you guys since you didn't buy me a mini bike when I was little. Anyway, I wasn't careful and so I couldn't get back on the road when I turned the corner. I was looking toward the water-filled ditch and needless to say that is where I went. The wound became infected and I had to have surgery. It is healing thank goodness but I spent 5 weeks sitting on my rear end at Matt and Nikki's. I had a lot of time to think and so some of them I am writing to you about. Several months ago, I had asked Brenda how she had covered up the matching tattoo we got in North Carolina. Of course she didn't respond but I saw how she covered it several weeks ago. All that is left of mine is a portion of the note and a small part of the flower. I guess I will always have this because I don't think I want to run the risk of getting a tattoo over the skin graft.
     I have been struggling of late. There are times where I feel as if I am drowning and no one is there to throw me a life line. They say that 2/3 of an iceberg is hidden beneath the water. Most days I feel as if 2/3 of me is hidden below the water. People only notice what is on top of the water. I have been trying to put my life back in order since the accident. It seems I just get back in the saddle and then something else happens and knocks me off. I can't stand all of these up and downs.
     I am trying to go to church more and participate in the adult Sunday School class. I'm also trying to read the Bible every day. There are times when I wish our family wasn't so religious, especially those times when I don't understand why certain people aren't more like me. It is funny how things happen in your life as a way to bring God back in. Such is the most recent breakup I have gone through.
     As you know this person isn't speaking to me and I just don't understand it. Do they not believe in the same God I do that says we should forgive and forgive? That we should love our neighbor as ourselves? There were things I needed to work on and I have been using this last year to do just that. I am trying to become the Christian woman you would have been proud of. I just find love very illusive. Why can't I find someone who will hang in there with me despite all my faults. I am only half the problem yet I feel as if I am suffering the most. I can hear dad say, "There are other fish in the sea" but what if a person doesn't want another fish? I have been working so hard to get the log out of my eye. Is it so wrong for me to want to be loved and to have someone to love?
     It took me 46 years to find the person I felt God wanted me to be with and now that we aren't together, I feel as if time is passing me by. I don't think you realize how many years after Ken and I split up that I prayed to God to bring that one special person into my life. It was close to 15 and all I got to enjoy once that person walked into my life was 6 years. How can two people who love each other end up the way we ended up?
     How did the two of you end up being together for so long? What am I doing wrong? There must be something. I am sure there were years that the two of you had problems so how did you get through them? I believe that God can work miracles in any relationship but you need to have two people working towards it not one and I just can't picture myself with anyone else.
     They say that once you fall off a bike or horse you are supposed to get back on and I have tried dating but it is hard to find someone. Maybe my standards are too high. I just want to share my life with someone, the good and the bad. I know that any good relationship needs to have God at the center and that is what we missed after we moved to St. Louis. We were both just so disappointment in the church in Muscatine that we didn't become actively involved down here. Now we are trying to do it separately and it doesn't seem to be working so well.
     What is love anyway? It's a wonderful gift. It's a present so precious words can barely begin to describe it. It is a feeling, the deepest and sweetest of all. It is incredibly strong and amazingly gentle at the very same time. IT IS A BLESSING that should be counted every day. It is nourishment for the soul. It is devotion, constantly letting each person know how supportive its certainty can be. Love is a heart filled with affection for the most important person in your life. It is looking at that special someone who makes your world go around and absolutly loving what you see. But what happens when that look turns to disappointment in one person's eyes. Can you ever get that back? Love is an invaluable bond that enriched every good thing in life. It gives each hug a tenderness, each heart a happiness, each spirit a steady lift. It is an invisible connection that is exquisitely felt by those who know the joy, feel the warmth, share the sweetness, and celebrate the gift.
     And so mom and dad, I continue to look for that illusive feeling of true love. I know that being "in-love" with someone isn't what true love is all about. It is sticking in there when things get tough and uncomfortable and still choosing to love the other person. That is what I am searching for.
     I do love and miss you both. I know you are watching out for me and I thank you for making me the caring person I am. I just wish at times I just didn't care about people as much as I do. Maybe if I didn't care so much, then I wouldn't feel as if I am drowning.
    Hopefully the next post will be filled with a little more uplifting things. I will continue to have faith and hope but if you could put in a good word or two to God and push Him along a little to answer my prayers, I would appreciate it.

Your loving daughter, Judy

The Lord Works in Mysterious Ways

Mom, you really pulled a joke on me the other day. I was just getting over a complete breakdown after the Ash Wednesday service when I pulled out the Christmas you didn't get sent. Inside you had written, you hope we were coming back for Christmas. You know, you didn't have to start bleeding internally and die to get me home. I was planning on coming back anyway...even spend some extra time with you...at least more than I usually did. After I settled down, I reread the card and a thought crossed my mind that told me I needed to read your book, "Prayerobics". So I got it out of all your stuff, and started reading it. In reading one of the chapters, I had an epiphany, an ah-ha moment, or like in the cartoons, a light bulb went on over my head.

The chapter I was reading was on asking God for a miracle. I didn't realize there were different types. I thought a miracle was a miracle. The part that really hit me was when the author was driving on an isolated road in Africa and his car broke down. He did not know how to fix it and because the road was so remote he knew another vehicle may not pass his way for a long time. So he told God he needed help and asked God to intervene. God did. Not only did God bring the author a mechanic but one that spoke English, both of which were rare in that part of Africa.

I think I have been going about some of my prayers the wrong way. (The author also has a chapter on being careful what you pray for because you just might get it.) So because of your card and your book, I have now been praying for God to make an intervention, to intervene, in one of my relationships. I do not know what that intervention will mean but by making this prayer, it is finally out of my hands and with God. Maybe now both of the parties involved in the intervention will hear what God has to say to both of them.

Out of this praying for an intervention, and where the Lord working mysteriously, is my co-workers son came in to visit her today. After he left, she told me he had been renting her house but he and his wife just had their offer accepted on a house so they would be moving. I asked her what she was going to be doing with her house and she said she would probably re-rent it. My ears perked up because I have been looking for a house to rent that had a fenced in backyard. Knowing my co-worker, I know her house will be in good shape so I told her when the time came to rent it, I would be interested in discussing the monthly rate. Who knows, because of the health problems of this person, maybe she would end up selling it to me on contract...assuming of course I am staying in St. Louis.

God's love is great. Sometimes I just can't see it.

Love you both.

Love is Patient; Love is Kind

Love is Patient
 
A patient person shows great understanding, but a quick-tempered one promotes foolishness. (Proverbs 14:29)

The worst part of life is waiting. The best part of life is having someone worth waiting for. While I find it easy to be patient in some circumstances, I find it difficult in others. The most difficult is patience when it comes to romantic love but I have ready that the more we learn to love, the greater our capacity to demonstrate patience toward other people. It has been 10 months since I was in a romantic relationship and I am trying hard to place my complete trust and faith in God in this matter. I am trying to be patient in this because I love this person very much. They say patience brings an internal calm during a storm while impatience causes us to overact in angry, foolish and regrettable ways. If we can be patient, we can respond in a positive way to a negative situation. It helps us be slow to anger.Anger toward what we thing is a wrongful action only produces new wrongs. If we are patient, however, we can stop this from happening. We can take a breath and clear the air. Patience helps us act with wisdom and doesn't rush to judgment, deciding instead to listen to what another person is saying.

Patience in a relationship helps us give our partner permission to be human. All of us make mistakes and have imperfections. Deciding to be patient gives our mate more time than we think they deserve to correct it. In tough times, patience is what gives the ability to hold on instead of giving in to the pressure and bailing out.

I made mistakes in this last relationship that I have had time to reflect on. I took patience a little too far, if patience is what it was. So many times I would not take any action on something thinking it would all work out. But the same problems came back and so I would agree to take action and once again would sit back thinking it would work out. As you know, that doesn't work. It was a repeating cycle until my partner had enough and left. I guess their patience level was depleted and I wasn't going to make the changes I needed to make.

Patience is the gift of another chance, the promise we will wait this out for as long as it takes. During this lenten season, I hope as we reflect inward, we can give and receive the gift of patience.

Love is Kind

Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive on another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.
 
Kindness is love in action. Love makes us kind and kindness makes us likable. People want to be around you when you are kind. They see you not only good to them but good for them. Kindness is contagious. When someone is kind to us, we want to do the same thing in return. A person who is loving and mature won't always wait to respond to kindness. They would rather be the first to show it.

 

If someone asked me if I was a kind person, I would of course say yes, today I am. In the not so distant past, I would not answer yes to that question. I carried a lot of anger around and I can honestly say where there is anger, kindness cannot exist. I have always been a sarcastic person and I am not sure why but this sarcasm would carry over into my personal relationship with my partner. I would get snippy with my response to a question, come home from work and spend time doing other things but not engage in communication. How was this being kind? And when things started going down hill in the relationship because of my attitude and lack of action, kindness to anyone was the last thing on my mind. But that is not how God wants us to be. I figured out I didn't love myself as a person and it wasn't until my breakup that I was able to figure that out. I couldn't love others, or be kind to them, because I didn't like myself. How could I expect my partner to continue loving me when I wasn't acting loving in return?

Using this time of Lent to reflect on this, I remembered the Bible verse of 2 Corinthians 5:17 - Whoever is a believer in Christ is a new creation. The old way of living has disappeared. A new way of living has come into existence. 

 

Thankfully I feel different today than I did many, many months ago.  I like who I am, I love myself and wish I would have known and acted this way years ago. Maybe I would have been the person my ex-partner deserved.

In Kindness

Author: Anne Marie Cline

Kindness speaks the words,

Your heart could never speak.

Your wings hold me up,

And give me strength when I am weak.

The warmth of your protection,

Brings music to my heart.

You open up the doors,

You show me where to start.

 

May God bless us in our quest for love and help us to be patient and kind in our relationships with others.

Things I have learned on my own

Things I have learned:

1). I have raised my kids the best I can and hopefully they make the right decisions. And when it comes to me, it is my turn to live my life the way I want to...even if they don't agree with some of the decisions I make.

2). When in a relationship, do not put your kids or step-kids in the middle of your problems. It only makes things worse. Decide to work things out between the two of you and don't ask for the kids opinions on the matter. They will give you advice and it may not be the best.

3). Don't let money come between you. A relationship is hard enough to make work let alone add budgetary woes to your troubles.

4). Love 100%. Relationships aren't a 50/50 breakdown.

5). Trust in God. Things have a way of working out. Maybe not in the time frame you think it should but they will. (This is the hardest for me to follow.)

6). People make mistakes. Learn to forgive and work at fixing the mistakes. An old friend used to say it isn't whether you have a problem today it's whether or not it was the same problem you had yesterday.  (I have had to learn this one the hard way.)


7). Love is the greatest gift you can give and receive. When you find that one person, don't blow it, don't take them or your relationship for granted.


8). Be kind, don't call each other names, share, and play nice. If you don't, it may come back to bite you.


9). Love doesn't always end when a relationship does. Be patient. (This one is very difficult for me.)


10). Love each other as if there is no tomorrow because for all we know there might not be one.


Yesterday was Ash Wednesday which as you know is the beginning of Lent which signifies a period of sober reflection, self-examination, and spiritual redirection. So I am going to try and let you know what I am learning during this time.

Last night I did go to church and received ashes from Brenda. Despite everything else going on for both of us, I admire her strength as well as other characteristics and attributes. We are both on some kind of journey. I'm just not sure where both of us will end up.

Guilt should be a 4 letter word

Why is it that guilt sneaks up on you when you least expect it? I know that guilt is a safety valve for us so we know what is right and wrong. I have done some things wrong this past year and wasn't a nice person to some folks. I know I haven't been an easy person to get along with. When I am in the midst of heartache, my words can cut into people and I know it hurts them. I have tried to ask for forgiveness from them but it is slow in coming and may never come at all. I wish I could go back to a year ago and do things differently. Things were said in the heat of anger, by both of us, and I still feel guilty about them. It seems I have made a BIG mess of things. The guilt I feel for being a monster is weighing heavily on me.

I know I am responsible for the guilt I imposed on others and the guilt I have imposed on myself. I have a confession to make. I was selfish mom. There were times I was back in Iowa that I didn't come visit you or tell you I was in town. When I did go to visit you, I didn't stay too long. I made excuses why I couldn't stay. Those times I was in town without your knowing about it and I went back home without as much as a phone call to you, I felt so guilty. I should have spent more time with you. I was selfish...even to the point of praying to God that I was okay with you going home to be with God and dad. I knew you were always worried about being able to pay for your apartment and I knew you were ready to die. Did my prayers speed that process up? And why did God answer those prayers so quickly and not others I have been praying for.

Today is Ash Wednesday and I am feeling sorrowful. Not only because you aren't around, but because one year ago, my "x" and I stood together at the church service and asked the minister to pray over us. We had made the decision and commitment to work on our relationship. It didn't work out and I am left to wondering why. Now I can understand why people need to grieve a loss through the four seasons, let a year pass before they allow themselves to move on. I thought I was doing okay but the grief snuck back up on me and I am feeling guilty for not putting 100% into trying to make things work. That is one thing I have learned. Love takes work. Relationships take work. Friendships take work. And if they are really important to us, we need to put 100% of ourselves into the effort...even when things are good.

Since it is Ash Wednesday and it is the start of Lent, I have decided to give something up even though I am not Catholic. I am giving up feeling guilty and will ask God to help free me from it. Plus, I will continue to ask for forgiveness from those I have hurt and hope they will someday forgive me.

I feel better already.

Love is Not a Fight

I was driving home from visiting the kids and grandkids a couple of weeks ago and heard a song I really liked. It is called "Love is Not a Fight". Of course, it also made me start thinking what it is about me that I haven't been able to find the one person who wants to hang in there with me, through thick and think. The lyrics are:

Love is not a place to come and go as we please.
It's a house we enter in then commit to never leave.
So lock the door behind you; throw away the key
We'll work it out together; let it bring us to our knees.

Love is a shelter in a raging storm. Love is peace in the middle of a war.
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door.
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for.

To some, love is a word that they can fall into.
But when they're falling out, keeping that word is hard to do.
Love with come to save us if we'll only call.
He will ask nothing from us but demand we give our all.

I will fight for you. Would you fight for me?
It's worth fighting for.

Ever since my breakup, I have felt so disconnected and lonely. I know that I can live alone and by myself but it isn't something I want to do. I would love to have the kind of relationship the two of you had. You spent 57 years together and even at the end of your life dad, I could tell how much mom loved you.

I have been doing some soul searching as I mentioned before. Do I have what it takes to be in a loving, committed relationship? It seems that after a period of six years the people I love tend not to think so and I am left wondering what I did wrong. I have learned so much about myself these past nine months. I know that being in a relationship helps us eliminate loneliness, multiply our effectiveness, enjoy life, and bless us with relational intimacy. Love shows us our need to grow and deal with our own issues and self-centeredness through the help of a lifelong partner.

I heard about something called the Love Dare. It is a way for couples to work out there problems using scripture. I found a daily devotional book on this same principle and decided to purchase it. Unfortunately, at this point in my life I don't have anyone to share it with but there are some things I am taking away from reading it. One of the things about this book is that it is a journey of exploring and demonstrating genuine love, even when our desire is dry and motives low.

One thing they stress which I totally agree with is that love is a decision, not just a feeling. It is selfless, sacrificial and transformational. I also agree with the author's statement about the quality of our life being directly tied to the amount of love flowing in you and through you to others. The absence of sharing love with someone else has left a devastating void in me.

I can hear the two of you say that there are other fish in the sea but what if a person doesn't want another fish. The weird thing is the other times I have gone through a breakup, God has put another person in my life to take their place but not this time. What am I supposed to take away from that? What is it that I am supposed to learn? I know that God walks with me and will provide for me. He has so many times before but I hate the fact that it is taking so long. Other times I have prayed for help, my prayers were answered in a relatively short amount of time like when our houses sold, when I sold my car, when I was looking for a job in St. Louis. So why can't my prayers be answered soon about love invading my life and my heart? I am getting older and want to share my life with someone. I know that person will have to be a Christian. A strong spiritual bond in my next relationship will be as important as a strong love bond. I had that kind of relationship and realize how strong that connection was...at least for me. But then life got in the way, I moved away from home and the spiritual connection went into hiding. Here I had prayed so long for the right person to enter my life, God answered, but I never prayed after that for God to keep this person in my life. Now it is too late.

I am not looking forward to dating again. I hate dating and getting to know someone but yet if I want the type of relationship I envision, I will have to put myself out there. No one is going to ride up on their white steed and take me away. However, if by chance you are lunching with God, maybe you could find out how much longer I will have to wait for the love of my life.

I will continue to pray and have faith. I know that my silent prayers will get answered and my broken heart will become brand new...because that is what faith can do. Love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for and I did try but went about it all wrong and I have messed things up royally.

Help me keep the faith mom and dad, and put in a few good words for me.

I love and miss you both.