What is love anyway?

Dear Mom and Dad,
     It has been some time since I wrote to you last. Alot of things have happened since then but I won't go into them all since you already know what is going on. Probably the biggest thing is the accident I had on my motorcycle. Yes...I bought a motorcycle. I blame you guys since you didn't buy me a mini bike when I was little. Anyway, I wasn't careful and so I couldn't get back on the road when I turned the corner. I was looking toward the water-filled ditch and needless to say that is where I went. The wound became infected and I had to have surgery. It is healing thank goodness but I spent 5 weeks sitting on my rear end at Matt and Nikki's. I had a lot of time to think and so some of them I am writing to you about. Several months ago, I had asked Brenda how she had covered up the matching tattoo we got in North Carolina. Of course she didn't respond but I saw how she covered it several weeks ago. All that is left of mine is a portion of the note and a small part of the flower. I guess I will always have this because I don't think I want to run the risk of getting a tattoo over the skin graft.
     I have been struggling of late. There are times where I feel as if I am drowning and no one is there to throw me a life line. They say that 2/3 of an iceberg is hidden beneath the water. Most days I feel as if 2/3 of me is hidden below the water. People only notice what is on top of the water. I have been trying to put my life back in order since the accident. It seems I just get back in the saddle and then something else happens and knocks me off. I can't stand all of these up and downs.
     I am trying to go to church more and participate in the adult Sunday School class. I'm also trying to read the Bible every day. There are times when I wish our family wasn't so religious, especially those times when I don't understand why certain people aren't more like me. It is funny how things happen in your life as a way to bring God back in. Such is the most recent breakup I have gone through.
     As you know this person isn't speaking to me and I just don't understand it. Do they not believe in the same God I do that says we should forgive and forgive? That we should love our neighbor as ourselves? There were things I needed to work on and I have been using this last year to do just that. I am trying to become the Christian woman you would have been proud of. I just find love very illusive. Why can't I find someone who will hang in there with me despite all my faults. I am only half the problem yet I feel as if I am suffering the most. I can hear dad say, "There are other fish in the sea" but what if a person doesn't want another fish? I have been working so hard to get the log out of my eye. Is it so wrong for me to want to be loved and to have someone to love?
     It took me 46 years to find the person I felt God wanted me to be with and now that we aren't together, I feel as if time is passing me by. I don't think you realize how many years after Ken and I split up that I prayed to God to bring that one special person into my life. It was close to 15 and all I got to enjoy once that person walked into my life was 6 years. How can two people who love each other end up the way we ended up?
     How did the two of you end up being together for so long? What am I doing wrong? There must be something. I am sure there were years that the two of you had problems so how did you get through them? I believe that God can work miracles in any relationship but you need to have two people working towards it not one and I just can't picture myself with anyone else.
     They say that once you fall off a bike or horse you are supposed to get back on and I have tried dating but it is hard to find someone. Maybe my standards are too high. I just want to share my life with someone, the good and the bad. I know that any good relationship needs to have God at the center and that is what we missed after we moved to St. Louis. We were both just so disappointment in the church in Muscatine that we didn't become actively involved down here. Now we are trying to do it separately and it doesn't seem to be working so well.
     What is love anyway? It's a wonderful gift. It's a present so precious words can barely begin to describe it. It is a feeling, the deepest and sweetest of all. It is incredibly strong and amazingly gentle at the very same time. IT IS A BLESSING that should be counted every day. It is nourishment for the soul. It is devotion, constantly letting each person know how supportive its certainty can be. Love is a heart filled with affection for the most important person in your life. It is looking at that special someone who makes your world go around and absolutly loving what you see. But what happens when that look turns to disappointment in one person's eyes. Can you ever get that back? Love is an invaluable bond that enriched every good thing in life. It gives each hug a tenderness, each heart a happiness, each spirit a steady lift. It is an invisible connection that is exquisitely felt by those who know the joy, feel the warmth, share the sweetness, and celebrate the gift.
     And so mom and dad, I continue to look for that illusive feeling of true love. I know that being "in-love" with someone isn't what true love is all about. It is sticking in there when things get tough and uncomfortable and still choosing to love the other person. That is what I am searching for.
     I do love and miss you both. I know you are watching out for me and I thank you for making me the caring person I am. I just wish at times I just didn't care about people as much as I do. Maybe if I didn't care so much, then I wouldn't feel as if I am drowning.
    Hopefully the next post will be filled with a little more uplifting things. I will continue to have faith and hope but if you could put in a good word or two to God and push Him along a little to answer my prayers, I would appreciate it.

Your loving daughter, Judy