Why is it that guilt sneaks up on you when you least expect it? I know that guilt is a safety valve for us so we know what is right and wrong. I have done some things wrong this past year and wasn't a nice person to some folks. I know I haven't been an easy person to get along with. When I am in the midst of heartache, my words can cut into people and I know it hurts them. I have tried to ask for forgiveness from them but it is slow in coming and may never come at all. I wish I could go back to a year ago and do things differently. Things were said in the heat of anger, by both of us, and I still feel guilty about them. It seems I have made a BIG mess of things. The guilt I feel for being a monster is weighing heavily on me.
I know I am responsible for the guilt I imposed on others and the guilt I have imposed on myself. I have a confession to make. I was selfish mom. There were times I was back in Iowa that I didn't come visit you or tell you I was in town. When I did go to visit you, I didn't stay too long. I made excuses why I couldn't stay. Those times I was in town without your knowing about it and I went back home without as much as a phone call to you, I felt so guilty. I should have spent more time with you. I was selfish...even to the point of praying to God that I was okay with you going home to be with God and dad. I knew you were always worried about being able to pay for your apartment and I knew you were ready to die. Did my prayers speed that process up? And why did God answer those prayers so quickly and not others I have been praying for.
Today is Ash Wednesday and I am feeling sorrowful. Not only because you aren't around, but because one year ago, my "x" and I stood together at the church service and asked the minister to pray over us. We had made the decision and commitment to work on our relationship. It didn't work out and I am left to wondering why. Now I can understand why people need to grieve a loss through the four seasons, let a year pass before they allow themselves to move on. I thought I was doing okay but the grief snuck back up on me and I am feeling guilty for not putting 100% into trying to make things work. That is one thing I have learned. Love takes work. Relationships take work. Friendships take work. And if they are really important to us, we need to put 100% of ourselves into the effort...even when things are good.
Since it is Ash Wednesday and it is the start of Lent, I have decided to give something up even though I am not Catholic. I am giving up feeling guilty and will ask God to help free me from it. Plus, I will continue to ask for forgiveness from those I have hurt and hope they will someday forgive me.
I feel better already.
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